Sunday, April 25, 2010


The question today is: How personal should you get when posting a blog?
On the internet, any eyes can see what I am doing, who I am and what I am about-as long as I choose to share it.

The thing I have done consistently my whole life is write.
I used to share stories with my mom, ink on blue lined white paper. I would leave them on her pillow as a surprise when I was six years old.
I left her love letters declaring my appreciation for her in colorful crayon.
I let it all out, even as a young girl.

My writing happened before the days of the Iphone (or cell phones in general). I wrote with a pen and paper-before blogs, google, twitter, facebook, or myspace.
This was less than 20 years ago.

In high school, I vented my frustrations outloud in English class to fellow students through my poetry and essays. Classmates who I viewed as hard to reach often surprised me when they met me in the hallway to communicate how they felt a connection with my writing. I was such an insecure girl (as we all are in high school) and I was blown away that perhaps one thing I shared with people was considered "cool."

Upon graduation from high school, I was reassured of this again when I entered an essay to Seventeen magazine's literature contest just to see what would happen. A few months later, they sent me a letter telling me they received over 5,000 entries, but mine was picked as one of their top 100. My personal essay was this close to being published in a famous magazine! In this letter, Seventeen magazine insisted I never stop writing-that this was a gift I needed to share with the world. I kept this letter as an inspiration.

In college, my English professor unpredictably became my mentor. I still have books of poetry he wrote and gave to only me. I read out of this antiqued Chaucer hard cover novel once in awhile since he told me he thought I could relate to Chaucer's writing. My English professor at FIDM kept insisting I needed to write like no one was watching. Censor free.

My whole life my mom has always told me that my best writing has been when it is about something that matters to you.

Little Women is one of my favorite novels and movies. Little Women is a very personal story-but it never would have been written if someone didn't tell Louisa May Alcott to write about something personal-something she was passionate about.

This is why I write about things that matter to me, and don't feel afraid to share them with the world.
I am not writing about my "crazy night out" last night.
My blogs don't look like a cheap romance novel.
I don't have any photos where I am flashing any private body parts.

I write about issues that affect everyone.

But most importantly, I write when I am compelled to write.

I may never publish a book in my lifetime, but the internet provides the perfect place for me to write my own novel..and share it with anyone who happens to stumble upon the treasure that it is. It would be awesome if even one person read about one of my experiences and it helped their life evolve - if even for one moment. After all, God says the more you share your hopes and dreams with other people-the more support you will have with the purpose you are to follow.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Eczema, Jury Duty, Migraines, Breasts, Lawyers, Cupcakes

What a combination that subject line is.
But that combo is what my life is as of today.
To say it with a silver lining, my life is never ever ever boring!

I have horrible eczema on my legs. And it is so itchy that I can't control it! So it's just getting worse.
To all those with eczema here are some things that work well for me:
  • Cold washcloths or cold compress-these things stop the itching.
  • Lots of fragrance free lotion. Tons and tons of it, several times a day.
  • Airing it out. Don't let it get covered up by socks or boots. It needs air to breathe.
  • Benadryl before bed. But it does drug you up depending on how you react to drugs.
  • A nice and understanding person that loves you even though you have ugly scales all over your legs.
This is what I have figured out so far. But I am still really frustrated and I have no idea why it is randomly and suddenly happening to me.
My boyfriend always yells at me for itching. He even blamed me for itching my leg when the car was shaking on Easter Sunday. Come to find out, the car wasn't shaking because my leg was itchy. It was shaking because there was a 7.2 earthquake in Orange County!

GROSS! THIS IS MY LEG RIGHT NOW. my million dollar legs.. =(

Jury Duty:
I had it today for the first time and was selected for a court case.
I can't say much else about it since it is confidential. I can't even really express my opinion.
But I will say that once you actually GET IN THE COURTROOM, it's quite a learning experience. I am open to it. I just wish that it didn't take time away from work because I only get paid for one day.

My boyfriend. I came across a collection of photos of him on my phone while having nothing to do at jury duty today and admired how great looking he is. Check out that bone structure.
My collection of Dan below:


Ugh, you'd think that my eczema would be enough.
But I have had migraines ever since my car accident (a T-Bone incident) almost two years ago now. They pop up at very inconvenient times like this last Saturday.
And silly me went to a bowling alley with a migraine.
I was trying to get out and have some fun with friends.
That didn't work. Especially not at a bowling alley!
Sigh. The migraine is now gone. I hope it never comes back.

Still have not heard anything about my MRI results. I think that is a good sign.
Plus I am 30. So I think I am in the clear.
However last week I had a dream that I had cancer.. actually I dreamt that I had lymphoma as scary as that is. So random. I think it's because I've just had too many health issues in the past year. That and someone told me "I looked pale" which made the hypochondriac in me all paranoid that perhaps maybe I was sick with something. But it could just be from lack of sleep because of my annoying eczema.
I think I've just been through too many health ordeals in the past year so now it's blurring my health consciousness. At least I can hope-and move forward to the positive thing that I call life.
Because I do love my life. And cherish it.
I thought my girls looked exceptional in this photo with comedian Harland Williams.

Yes I started the Amanda Cupcake website. And I want to share my cupcake love with the world. But, I still need to find a commercial kitchen. I am on the lookout. I also want to experiment with new recipes every weekend.

My black mold case has just about settled. I can put that behind me.
I still cringe when I drive past that apartment complex. Ugh.
My car accident case is still up in the air but I hope that it will be settled soon.
I hear that it will. Hallelujah! Prayer. Lots and Lots of Prayer.

Xo Xo...

Friday, April 16, 2010

To the Ellen Degeneres Show

I just sent a request out to the Ellen Degeneres show for my parents.
I am looking for any assistance that I can to help them because they deserve it more than anyone I know.....
It would rock their world to hear from Ellen Degeneres.

This is the letter that I sent to her:

I love you! You squirted me in the eye with a water gun at Ellen in The Park 2006!
Now, meet my parents.
I fly home to visit at Christmas. This year my dad was near death. A bleeding ulcer. He lost ½ of his blood when blood clots started to spread quickly all over the inside of his body. The Dr. was “baffled”. My dad couldn’t sleep, scared that this was "the end."
After a long road, the Dr. released the blood clots through a risky procedure. My dad’s health is stronger, but mom’s is weak. She was just diagnosed w/Parkinson’s. An unexpected turn.
My parents are also struggling financially. They filed taxes, hoping for a refund when they found out they owe $10,000! My dad worked for so many yrs & just retired. He spent some of his 401K for my college! Their home needs major repairs and dad is trying to fix it himself. I can hear the tiredness in his voice. His body isn't the same anymore. My mom's voice is tired too. She is also healing from the loss of her sister Rachel to uterine cancer last August. She remembered holding her own mother’s hand in a fight to cancer. My mom also had uterine cancer.
My parents have never had a honeymoon.
They have loved me and each other with their whole being.
My dad says, “"This could be your year-only you can make it that way!"
I imagine my dad doing his woodworking; my mom enjoying her gardening & her 2 adorable grandkids! My parents have had their whole lives to worry. They deserve bliss.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

My Blue Dress

I wore a blue dress for my breast MRI. I wanted to look pretty today.
Even if it meant I had to take my blue dress off to change into a gown.
I wanted to feel as if my breasts and I were walking the red carpet to an event that could save all three of our lives!

I have had an MRI done before on my brain.
I was really scared for the brain scan since I have heard nightmare-ish stories.
But all in all, my brain scan MRI wasn't that bad.

However, my breast MRI was so different and strange.
I had to lie face down on what looked like a "twisted" massage table.
There was a cup for each of my breasts to rest in.
IV in arm, I had to flash the nurses before laying down face first, so that they could put some kind of pink capsule on my right breast.

When I was laying down I couldn't see anything.
Headphones rested on my ears and the sound of spa music in the tiny speakers tried to make me forget the loud noises the machine made..and the reason I was here.

MRI machines make loud noises-and the noises are random.
So instead of being scared of them, being the dork that I am--I make up rap beats and lyrics in my head to what sounds like someone banging violently on the side of the machine.
This was even more interesting combined with spa music.

I felt like I was flying or floating because everything was dark, and I was laying face down up in the air inside a tube. I tried my best to ignore this, because I am afraid of heights.

When the nurse told me that the fluid from the IV would be entering my body, I freaked out a little. I really wish she would have just done it without telling me.
The second she injected me, I felt the hot fluid rush to my bladder and I thought I was peeing my pants!

18 minutes later, I was done.
She rolled me out of the machine and gradually pulled the IV out of my arm.

I asked the nurse if it was normal to feel like I peed my pants while she was injecting me.
She laughed and told me it was very common to feel it rush straight to my bladder if I had an empty stomach or a fast metabolism. I was so relieved to know that I did not pee my pants, even if it felt like it!

I was so dizzy and dazed. This MRI felt nothing like the brain scan.

The nurse told me she took 1700 photos of the inside of my breasts!
I was astounded. She took more photos of my breast than I took on my European trip to Paris and Milan.
I guess this goes to show that my breasts are truly a wondrous work of God's art.

Now on to the blue knit maxi dress.
I wore the dress to force myself to feel luxurious even though I felt the need to just throw on my pair of big ugly green sweatpants and walk out the door.
I blow dried my hair so it was wavy and not an afro puff like it could normally be. I put on make up, and wore a heart shaped necklace that Dan gave me the night before.
I gave my keys to the boys at Hoag Hospital and asked them to valet park my car.
All that was missing was the red carpet.
So many women told me how beautiful I looked--at the hospital out of all places!
Little girls stared up at my tall figure.
Wearing my blue dress helped me make it through this ordeal

I think every woman should wear a beautiful (however..comfortable) dress to their mammogram, ultrasound..or even their annual exam. (I suggest a knit maxi dress like mine)

After all, it's your chance to flaunt what you've got in a classy way..and show that you are enough of a treasure to take care of every part of your body!

Friday, April 9, 2010


2010 has been an interesting one so far.
It's been kind of a carry over of what 2009 was.
But in the same way I feel there is as lot of promise over the rainbow.
Right after my dad found out he was going to be ok.. which was a month long process of crazy-ness for my family.. my mom actually found out she has Parkinson's.
She is dealing with it--day by day. I can see her stress level is higher than normal and she is trying to figure out what she "should do" with her life now that she sees her time as limited before things might get worse. I told her that none of us live forever-and we don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow.. so just live life like she has always lived. My mom raised me with so much passion, love and soul. She married the love of her life. The man she never thought she could be without. She's traveled to Switzerland and all over the world with him. She helps God create beautiful life out of a patch of grass (gardens!).
Her children and grandchildren all love her very much.
I would say that is living. I keep telling my parents that they need to move out here to be closer to me though! I tried the moving back to Wisconsin thing after what happened to my dad, but nothing worked out. It just wasn't in my favor. I guess I am just meant to be a California girl.

Things are hectic though. I have a new place to live in Costa Mesa and I love my roommates.
The landlord is questionable. I came home the other day and my shower was completely torn apart. Ah yes, a leak. This does mean I am getting a new shower though. It is just unsettling having maintenance dudes barge into my room at 7:30am while I am just waking up from my night's sleep. I guess that is what you get when you live in a non-luxury apartment complex and have a 70 some year old woman as your landlord =) She has that smokers voice too. The really hoarse deep smokers voice. Everything you'd imagine a landlord would have. She tried blaming the leak on me somehow, but there was no way it was my fault. I've only lived in this house for a few months. So this week has been hectic as far as my living situation goes.
However, once I have a new shower I think life will go on happily ever after in the household situation.

A few medical things are going on. I am honestly trying to get rid of the medical conditions in my life because in the past year I have had a brain scan (due to migraines), a lung xray (due to the black mold in my old apartment), pulmonary testing (due to the black mold in my old apartment), physical therapy (due to back aches and migraines from my old car accident. Not to mention when they did the MRI for the brain scan they discovered I have scoliosis). I have also been sent to an eye specialist (due to my migraines), a neurologist (also due to my migraines), and lastly - a therapist (because I had a weird psychological reaction to the migraine medication & the inhaler I was on for my asthma).

Well now... I found a lump in my breast. Last week they conducted an ultrasound on me and found a mass which they think is just tissue but its hard for them to tell. On the same day I had a mammogram done which came back negative, but the technicians and doctors insisted I have an MRI done because of my family history & they also said that "anything could be hiding in there" because of my dense tissue. I really appreciate how careful they are being. So tomorrow I will have the MRI of my breast done.

On top of this, when I went home last month I sat in a jacuzzi at a hotel in Milwaukee.
This jacuzzi gave me what they call "hot tub rash"-basically what you get when bacteria from a hot tub gives you an infection. I've had it for over a month and cannot get rid of it.
ugh. So now I have been referred to a dermatologist who I will see in addition to the MRI tomorrow.

I told my work about all of this and they are probably very sick of hearing about all of my "conditions." I am honestly trying my best to start my life over from scratch and make it wonderful. But at the same time, things are just always crazy in my world.
I could probably write a book by the time I am 90.

But overall, my attitude is good. I refuse to get down the way I started to in January. I was sinking into a terrible depression and I don't want to be that girl again.
I am allowing myself to be social and surrounded by friends, attend church, and have even decided to start my cupcake business on the side (Amanda Cupcake)! The website is

Even though making beautiful cupcakes can be a challenge, it is probably one of the most rewarding challenges I have ever faced in my life. I have such a strong passion for cupcakes, cakes and cookies. They are like blank canvases to me. That people can taste. And they taste amazing. Isn't that the best art piece ever?! An amazing tasting art piece?!

So I am keeping my head up. Sucking all the juice out of life and making plans for my future.
The best thing is that the plans aren't too overwhelming. I am taking each plan step by step..being patient..(not too patient though!) and seeing where everything goes.

The End
But only for now..because it's like 11pm on a Thursday night before my MRI.