Sunday, April 8, 2012

I'm afraid sometimes you'll play lonely games too...♥

I am officially a woman.♥You know how I know?
Months ago, I used to look at life through childrens' eyes. 
And I still do..always will..I have a great imagination.
But something happened to me to up the womanliness factor.

I was sitting in my car, alone a few weeks ago. (and I am alone a lot).
I was looking out the window, people watching.
I saw two people walk past my car, they were holding hands.
Trailing shortly behind them were two children.

I felt a twinge of jealousy, sadness, and joy all at the same time.
Joy for the couple..yay for them that they were holding hands right in front of their beautiful children! ♥

..My sadness was that I don't have any of that, and I am 32 years old.
I'll be 33 in June!

Sadness that almost everyone else in my life has at least someone.
Whether it is a child they can unconditionally love, a husband, a significant other, or an entire family.  They have someone to spend holidays with (I spent my Easter alone)..even if it is crazy running all over town trying to meet with all their friends and family.

I suddenly realized that for the first time in my adult life,  I seriously want my own family.  Yes, I joke that I am married to my cupcakes.  And that I am going to change my real last name to Cupcake.  I love my cupcakes.

I am yearning for a warm body waiting for me at home at the end of a hard day.  Someone who tells me I am beautiful when I wake up in the morning, or comes up behind me with their arms around my body while I'm baking in the kitchen.  Someone who takes my breath away, but also comforts me and makes me feel safe to fall..completely..and madly.  Someone who I can make a beautiful life with someday.. a life that will look like a mini combination of both of us.  My best friend.

I deserve this life.  A life where I can bake my cupcakes and create wonderful delicious  masterpieces for people.. but also a life filled with love.

Perhaps I am lonely because I spend a lot of alone time in the kitchen.
Or because it's one of the most challenging times in my life (as a new business owner, watching my mom fighting Parkinson's, etc).  Maybe if I didn't need so much comfort right now I wouldn't feel this way.

But this life..for's got to be out there. Other people have it.
I see it everyday. ♥ Where do I fit in all of this?