Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I came back from Wisconsin in January and I was crazy depressed..sadly to say, practically suicidal. I just wanted to fall asleep for awhile and get away from the world.
Then I decided to change my life. I decided to hand it over to God, get involved with the Saddleback Choir, take care of myself, plan on traveling a few places that I've always wanted to go.
I really wanted the Australia thing but I guess it wasn't meant to happen. I also decided that I needed to give myself some time to heal.. get rid of the left over pieces of pain..and promised myself that I would focus on the plan for my life instead of trying to seek out a boyfriend. I decided that if God wanted that for me, he would eventually make it happen. For the first time in years I wasn't even looking for a man in my life.
Once I changed my perspective and handed my life over to God it was like he handed me things I never expected would appear in my life.
Ironically, one of these things is a new man. (Even though I said I didn't want one!!!) Yes, I call him a man because he gives me something that no man has ever been able to completely give me.
Time. He always wants to spend time with me.
He brought me tea when I had laryngitis..on the night I was rejected from the Australia trip.
He brought me a vase of orange roses on our second date.
He woke up super early to prepare a dinner that was cooking in a pot roast while we were at work all day. That same night he asked me to be his girlfriend.
He dedicated a song to me on my lunch break as we sat in my VW eating flame broiler.
He didn't even try to make a move on me too fast like so many guys have. This showed me he wants so much more of me than something physical..and he has morals.
We went to see an African childrens' choir sing together and danced in the crowd.
He went to see me sing twice in one weekend in the Saddleback choir.
He showed up at my door step last Friday night without telling me.. to help me pack for my big move! He just called me from my front door and asked me to let him in.
That same night he took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read some romantic Spanish words that he learned from some friends at Billabong (he works in QC with a lot of spanish speaking people). I melted.
His roommate is his best friend...and when we went out for Fish tacos we all said "grace" in a public place before we ate.
I didn't expect any of this..and honestly right now I can say that I am not used to this either.
We'll see where it goes.. but right now.. my head is spinning.. and I have that beginning warm fuzzy feeling inside my heart. It is kinda fluttering. And who knew I could feel this?
When I sat in my living room in January crying hysterically from the pain of losing someone who meant the world to me.. I felt hopeless.
But now I have someone's hand to hold in the line at the grocery store.
Someone who wants to give me a kiss good-bye in public.
More importantly I have someone who told me that if he could give me one kiss hello everyday then his day would be worth it.
Someone whose eyes welcome me when I walk into the room..and light up when we talk.
Someone who calls me "Babe."
Someone I can laugh with.
I feel like I can be happy again.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I spent a lot of time with a certain boy whose company I really enjoy lately.
I enjoyed yogurtland.
I slept in.
I sang for the first time ever on the stage with the Saddleback Church Worship Choir for Rick Warren's services. It was one of the most inspiring things I've ever done with my life.
The thing about standing up there is that I can see everyone in the audience.
As I sing I pull the energy from the crowd-the good, the bad, the pain I see in the eyes of the people. I take in the energy, blend it all up inside my heart and throw it back out there as God's powerful love through my smile, dance, and voice.
I can feel God radiating through my being and I can't stop myself from reaching my hands up to him, to praise him. I let go..and as I let go I feel myself connect with God and everyone in the room.
It is the craziest tingly feeling-better than an adrenaline rush. This has more substance because it is something more powerful than just a physical body.
It is God working through a gift he has given me.
I feel even better when I know my friends are in the audience. I was really flattered that people wanted to come watch the choir perform. In fact one of my friends came to two services. It made me feel really supported and special. Most importantly I was happy to share this passion with them.
My friend came to see me this weekend and she took some photos.
They are really fuzzy and blurry.
I am the girl in the back wearing blue.
My goal is to one day sing a solo up there. I have a feeling it will happen.
Being part of the choir is beautiful though. I stood next to the tenors and as I heard our separate parts harmonizing, blending beautifully together I imagined that this must be a little piece of what Heaven could be like.
My next performance is Easter weekend.. and all the services play live on Saddleback Church's website. So perhaps...I can even share this amazing experience with my friends from afar. I'd love to hear from anyone who gets the chance to watch.
Photos from the experience. Find me. The Blurry Girl on the top row in the Blue.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I have a few Amanda guidelines to follow when visiting this fun place.
1. Skip, dance and twirl through the park. Even at the age of 29, I can get away with it. I did it. A lot.
2. Buy some ears to wear. My friend Dan even wore my Minnie Mouse ears for a little while.
3. Ride It's A Small World. It is happy and full of whimsical eye candy.
4. Indulge in some yummy sugary treats. The whole park smells like cotton candy, caramel corn, and cookie dough.
5. Ride the teacups. I promise they don't make you sick. They are just giggly and silly and fun. I think riding the teacups should be on everyone's "Things to do before they die" list.
6. Watch the children at the end of the nightas they fall asleep under the spell of Disneyland on daddy's shoulder. It is adorable, and really does make my biological clock start to tick. Perhaps. Just for a moment.
7. Make sure to get a pass for both California Adventure Park & Disneyland. Ride "Soaring Over California" in the California Adventure Park. On this ride I could fly over the San Francisco bridge, inhale the scent of orange groves, kick my feet in the ocean..need I say more?
8. For a scary experience..ride the Tower of Terror. Probably my worst nightmare come true. I only went on it with Dan because he promised to go on the teacups with me.
9. Don't puke on Space Mountain. The line to get on the ride is almost always 2 hours long, and when someone pukes on the ride it means about another 25-45 minutes waiting in line.
10. Most importantly-go with someone that interests you. There are a lot of great standing in line conversations to be had. I have to say some of my best memories were created standing in line.
The photos tell the rest of the story..
(Very Nervous to confront my fear of falling elevators in the tower of terror).
(About to step onto the elevator).
The tower of terror. Truly.
We took a lot of standing in line photos. But this one is interesting. It looks like I am shooting fire out of my mouth.
It's A Small Small World.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
So I just want to send a thank you out in this cyberworld to all of those who gave me stars on my video for Australia. I didn't make it unfortunately. There is still the wild card round-where if your video becomes the most popular on the site you can become the wild card finalist. I will leave this part totally in God's hands.
But honestly..the thing that gets me here is that I really had a feeling about this one too--even if I was one out of 34,000!
My question of the day is--how can one tell the difference between instinct or optimism? Because my instinct was so strong on this-I could have sworn that this was meant to be-it would have been the perfect next move in my life. (Since I love to write, photograph, daydream, travel, meet new people, see new colors, experience fashion, explore and seek out my adventurous spirit).
I can hope that one day I will get a chance to travel and write someday in the near future. This definitely is not where my journey ends.
This is where it begins..and I find a new door to open.
For months I have just had this feeling that something new and big is going to happen soon. Actually it has almost been a year since I've had that feeling. I am still not sure what that "thing" is. And I've been growing a little excitedly impatient about this feeling in my gut.
So this is where faith comes in.
I am a little sad this morning and I know it will only last for a few days and I will move on to brighter things. I worked really hard on the video and sacrificed quite a bit to make it.It's one of those moments..that I worked really hard on something..put my all into it..got extremely excited about all of the possibilities..and suddenly it's done.
..Now what? What's next and what did I learn from it?
So we will see what is next..and I am thankful for all that I do have-
a view of the Pacific Ocean, a great job, lots of people who love me, awesome past experiences of international travel.. and more to come.