Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Here comes the bride..when she's ready.

I have the unfortunate task of announcing that not only is my engagement off..but that I also am dealing with a painful break up.  For the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years.

It isn't that I didn't want to get married. I wanted to make it work. Badly.
I wanted to move on with my life, forget about my stitched up heart and be happy.
Like people tell me that I should.

But I haven't been really happy ever since my first heart ache.
I've tried. I even opened myself up to new love, hoping that this quick mad love would repair me.
And when I say I fell in love all over again, I am not lying. I did. I wasn't expecting it.
But nothing can really repair me except for me.

So although I look selfish right now, I am doing the right thing for the first time in a long time.
I am loving him so much that I am letting him go, so he can find happiness.
Even if perhaps our happiness becomes intertwined again someday, when it is better timing.
I know how it feels to have someone do this to you-I've had it happen to me.
I am sure he is wondering why I would sacrifice our love since it was so great.

But I needed this time. For whatever God has in store.
I have battled depression, anxiety attacks, and all kinds of illnesses for a very long time.
And it hasn't gone away.
I think the source of it has been a broken heart.
So it is time I stand up and take care of myself for once.
And balancing a relationship under the pressure of a "deadline" to move on just makes it worse.
It doesn't matter how much we are in love.
I need time.
To live, and to stop numbing myself.
To stop waiting to live happily and actually create a happiness within.
To stop worrying so much about other peoples' opinions.
To listen to that "whisper" that actually whispers and yells quite loud at the same time.

Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.

I was going to get married, and hope that once I did, all the love from him surrounding me and not being "alone" anymore would heal my broken heart. I mean really.. I am not the first one in history to live with a broken heart.  People with broken hearts get married all the time. 

But I couldn't step into a marriage knowing that my heart wasn't all there yet.
It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to me either.
He thinks I don't love him anymore.
But that will never be true.
He is very special to me, a treasure, and it would be really selfish of me to keep him to myself right now.
I can't give him what he needs back.
Not right now.

So I know that it will be sad for awhile. I looked for him a crowded room the other day. But I was not so graciously reminded that he wasn't there. I was alone in a crowd of people.  My mom woke me up in the middle of the night the other night, asking me if I was okay because I was crying in my sleep.  I miss him, he has been my best friend.

Sigh. I wish I was Elizabeth Gilbert (eat pray love).. I could escape to Bali or Italy and get paid to write a book about my exploration of meditation, delicious food, and living in the moment.

I could make friends in far away lands and explore new pastry recipes. I would have a blast baking for my new friends.

Oh the daydreams of a wedding. The dress, the flowers, the glamour. The gathering of friends and family, the tears from the stroll up the aisle.  The hugs at the end of the ceremony. The distant family that you invited to the wedding suddenly become friends just by a smile or a congratulations.  The uncle who gets irritated because he's hungry. The mussed up half hair sprayed hair from a very long but glorious day.  The bad moves on the dance floor at the end of the night.  The kisses activated by toasting champagne glasses. The fireplace in the hotel room after, in the silence of you and your new "husband."

The visions and hopes of planning a wedding were so much fun.  But planning a marriage is different.
A marriage should be forever. It should mean holding hands on the front porch at the end of your life together. In complete understanding and appreciation of who you are. Nothing less than complete freedom. .  At least that is how I want to feel for the rest of my life. How about you?♥

"We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure--your perfection--is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart."

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."

1 comment:

  1. My heart grieves with you, but I can tell that you are making this decision confidently and for the right reasons. It takes an incredibly strong person to make the toughest moves, and though you may be feeling weak at moments, you are showing your strength. Sending hugs your way!