Monday, July 27, 2009

Wake up Call (hold on, I'm on my hamburger phone!)

So here I am at my new place in Newport Beach, California!
I love it here.
I have a place that I can finally call my home.
I haven't had that in over a year now.
In fact to celebrate (and make my apartment smell good), I baked chocolate chip cookies in my new kitchen yesterday.
I just had to remind myself never to eat that much cookie dough again. I made my tummy a little sick!

With this anchor I finally have under my feet, I have prayed and prayed about making a certain decision that I announced I was doing, but deep inside I didn't feel quite ready for yet.
And I have decided that this year, I am not going to travel to Thailand on a missions trip.
Not because I don't want to.
Not because I am not meant to.
Believe me, my biggest dream is to travel the world.
The reason I am not going to Thailand is because I see how crazy my life has been for so long.
I am honestly exhausted from all the pressure I have put on myself.

I've been jumping from thing to thing, thinking that because my life changed so drastically within the past year that obviously I must be destined to do something amazing.
When what my spirit, heart and mind needs at this moment in my life is a rest.
Kind of like what my body needs to do when I am sick.
I need this chance to heal and clarify things. This past year was so life changing that I became a different person.
Before this past year, I was carefree, pretty selfish, into my own thing. I did everything for me. I acted like I was invincible.
That's what I was used to. I was independent and thought I could be a success on my own.
But honestly, my plans aren't always the best. God let me put my hand in the cookie jar for a long time..
but because he cared about my success in his plans.. he took the cookie jar away from me.

So after this year..minus the cookie jar... I have reunited with the authentic me again. But this time it is the authentic girl meeting a woman.

I'd rather stay at home and watch a movie or have an interesting conversation with a friend instead of go out dancing or share the room with a huge crowd of half drunk strangers.

Friday nights I am always exhausted from work. I love to put on my pajamas, throw myself on the blankets and close my eyes. That is Heaven.

Instead of driving my pretty little convertible I want a simple, inexpensive car that will get me from point A to point B.

I want to pay off my debts so that when I am healed and ready to make the next step, I will be free.

I want to follow this "tender heart" my mom always told me I've had.
This is a gift from God that I haven't used enough. But now I yearn to use it.

My heart is back. It was always here but I blocked it for a long time.
A certain someone who proposed to me in the sand woke up my heart again-even if it ended up hurting later.
It was worth it.

I've established a relationship with God again. He's always been a big part of my life, but it seems the past six years I've put him at the bottom of my list.
Now this year I want to spend my time asking him what he wants for me. Instead of me asking me what I should do.

I've stopped drinking alcohol pretty much completely except for rare social occasions.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and try not to listen to all the cynics when it comes to love. I'd rather listen to my heart - and if I get hurt along the way.. well.. I guess I just lived a little more than I did before.

I've pondered over going to culinary school so I can learn the science of baking/food and of course to sharpen my decorating skills.
But I know for sure I am going to start my cupcake biz on the down low-for weddings, events, friends, etc.
I've really found a passion for food-and not just junk food either.
This past year-as stressful as it was-was also very nutritionally and physically successful for me.
I really have a passion for health food - especially for finding or turning junk food into health food. I think I might have something there.
I just never knew that food would be the avenue I'd best express my artistic talents in!

I hate negative anything-It actually burns my ears..or my heart..or spirit. Or all of the above.
I can't listen to screaming rock and roll music or degrading rap music.
I used to be able to block that stuff out, but now if it plays in the background I have to walk away from it.
I think this has something to do with my fresh raw tender heart.

Life doesn't have to be this crazy whirlwind of changes in order to be a success.

It is hard for me to just sit here because usually I am the kind that says - you want something - you go out and make it happen.
But right now a little voice in my heart is telling me...

Sometimes the best "plans" aren't planned at all.

1 comment:

  1. Yea for new homes!
    Hope you're enjoying it :)

    ReplyDelete