2 Years Ago, I Left California for Wisconsin♥

I moved back to Wisconsin from California exactly 2 years ago today and I had no idea where my life was headed, I was ready to re-invent myself. 

If I would have looked through a glass ball and gazed at where I am now, I never would have believed it.

But I would never change a thing. I have more true, genuine peace & joy in my heart than I've ever had before. I love the people in my life, and the people I continue to meet.

I'm single and for once I am okay with being that.  This leaves room for the right guy instead of "Mister Right Now".  I am honestly excited that the opportunity of falling madly in love with someone new and wonderful and *healthy* for me in my future still lies before me. (Because that's the only kind of man I'll let in from this day forward). ♥

I may not be rich financially (yet..).. but I am rich with love from my family, and the friends I have met. Especially in the last year.

I'm about to move into a 2 story farmhouse. Just me! In the middle of the country. Shiny new bamboo floors not walked upon by my bare feet yet.  Two kitchens, sparkly breakfast at tiffany blue walls, and a hand-painted mural on the wall!  I'm about to share this place with people who want to eat my cupcake creations.  I'm ecstatic, proud, and scared to death! ♥ Story here.

(source of this art: betterforthechange)

So many people have their "backup". You know-the husband, the boyfriend, the second job perhaps?   I've got complete faith as my back-up.   Just like I had complete faith when I moved back home a few years ago.

I just think it's funny that two years ago I was making a huge leap, I was blinded by my next step.

Now I'm here again. ♥ I am so excited to meet my next two years. Not just my next two years of cupcakes..but the next two years of *my life*.

This is my vision of it all♥ It'd be great if it really happens this way:

I think I might try my best to paint my bedroom this way ♥

 

 when i believe this, he will find me and never let go♥

but I can't lie, seeing this laying on my couch would be a dream. (especially if it really were James Franco)!

 

 

dinner parties at my home with friends ☻

 

♥

 

somehow i want this to be me! sharing my cupcakes with ellen degeneres and nicki minaj. (I dream big).

 

 

 

Lucille Ball is my role model ♥

 

an amanda cupcake mobile ♥

(art by brian theis of madison, wi)

 

I will go on vacation♥

 

 I'll stay true to this woman♥

(the authentic me).

 

 

♥ this was a fortune I got a few months ago at a restaurant called Chef Chu's.  Sweet. 

Somewhere Over The Rainbow.......

This month has been oh so gloomy.

I feel like I've been in a cloudy tornado-esque haze.

One reason might be that I battled a tornado-like storm last week.

I have never really seen anything like this storm, it was unforgiving.

I woke up to complete darkness on a Friday morning. At 9am it was dark and quiet in my 100 year old house. Until the winds started blowing and bending the trees in half.

I had to run for cover as quick as possible.  I hid out in my parents' dark basement amidst sticky cob webs and in a wet puddle of who knows what. At one point I thought I was stuck in the basement because I couldn't find the door handle to get out. The storm crept up so quickly that I didn't have time to grab anything other than my cat and my Iphone.

I was all alone. My parents were gone.  I had no idea if they were okay because I knew they were traveling.  So I was scared out of my mind. Listening to 90mph winds rage outside. The house was void of electricity starting at 9am on what should have been a bright happy Friday. 

It was like something you see in a movie.

When the storm moved on to the next town, I walked upstairs and expected to see my entire house ripped apart.  But it wasn't. 

And I wasn't wearing Ruby Slippers.

I was however..wearing black sequin shorts that were now dirty from sitting on the creepy basement floor. Maybe that was my modern day Dorothy touch?

I guess I really felt my mortality in this storm.

I felt that I am not invincible.

I was at the mercy of whatever God's plan was for me that day.

And that could have been anything.

Just look at all of the natural disasters going on right now.

It seems no one is untouched.

But I really know a big reason I felt my mortality during this storm....

I recently lost a few good friends of mine to this thing called death.

Not to sound morbid or anything, but I have never really lost that many close friends to death. And in one week I found out about the death of two of my friends.

What startles me the most is how someone can be here for one minute..

and then they disappear the next.

Their body is still here.

But they aren't on this earth.

They are unable to talk to you face to face.

No more eye contact.

I can't hear the laughter.

Or receive their phone calls.

They'll never update their facebook status again.

But yet...their facebook page is still open.

A piece of history.. that proves that they were here..

The magic of modern technology is that it somehow keeps my friends alive forever.. 

by documenting the time and the date that they were still with me here on this earth.

Ten years ago now, I looked at my grandpa after he passed away.

And he looked nothing like my grandpa.
I almost didn't recognize him, the only thing that was distinct was the bump on his nose.

It is amazing how much your spirit makes up your entire physical essence.

It just shows us all how alive our spirit truly is, always.

Not just here, but when we leave here too.

I don't have all the answers, but the power of missing my friends so deeply is too incredible to not know that there is a Heaven. ♥

 

It was Enchanting To Meet You.

This past weekend I went to visit a friend who has terminal cancer  .His name is Ken. And his wife's name is Marcia. They own a beautiful B&B on acres and acres of land. They create everything from this land-jars of jelly, fresh veggies for dinner, freshly squeezed juice. The name of the B&B is perfect: "The Enchanted Valley." In Cross Plains, Wisconsin.

I have special memories of my own there. I remember the first time I visited the place and it was so serene and beautiful. Ken and Marcia were so charismatic, magical, and loving. Sometimes I believed that when I left the house, Marcia and Ken would disappear because they were actually not human but instead angels, inviting me there to better my life in some way.

It has been 7 years since I faithfully visited their B&B, but I have always kept in contact with Ken & Marcia.Mainly because the last reason I visited, I hugged them and told them they were like my third set of grandparents. That feeling has stuck with me and never left.

Marcia sent me a pretty desperate sounding email a few weeks ago, and it sounded like she was battling a lot of emotional stress.

I knew then that Ken was dying, and I had to go see him before it was too late. So this last weekend I went to The Enchanted Valley all by myself to see Ken & Marcia. I helped Marcia with things she needed around the house. Like the dishes, squeezing grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. I put sheets on my own bed. I woke up early on a Saturday morning and went to the State Street farmers market in Madison to buy Ken & Marcia a new plant they could add to their beautiful yard. The patio we used to sit on outside to eat breakfast together was dusty and dark. The patio furniture was covered in plastic. There were no heart shaped french toast pieces for breakfast, and I found myself helping Marcia squeeze the grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. Such a small thing was such a huge help to her.


Post it notes from hospice were stuck on the walls of the house.

Ken was so tired, his eyes would shut in the middle of a conversation. While the words escaped his mouth, his eyelids were closed. I felt him slipping away, and like a part of him was already in another place.


The hard thing to face is that he told me he wasn't ready yet, he still had a lot more he wanted to do here.

Marcia revealed her worries to me over moonlight & a cup of chai in the room off the kitchen.She tried to lay out her life to me and the plans she had for it after he was gone. Her eyes were dry with no tears because she said she had already done most of her grieving. Although sometimes the grief shocked her all at once with no warning. Every once in a while she'd ask me, "Do you think Ken can hear me? I hope not." And she'd look off in the direction of his bedroom.


I have known people who have passed from cancer. I even remember the night my grandma passed away from cancer when I was four years old. I saw this weird light that resembled a disco ball on the ceiling of my room and I swear it was her saying good-bye. I started crying because it was sort of creepy. Then my dad came up to my room to comfort me. I remember him carrying me in his arms, and told him that my grandma was up in Heaven now, smiling down at us. Where I got that from being four years old I don't know.


What I have never experienced is what it is like to actually watch someone pass away from cancer.Someone that you have experienced sweetness and the energy of life with. Ken was always passionate about life, always wanting to move on to the next thing.

Ken loved his life out in the "Enchanted Valley" and had more plans of farming, harvesting, and enjoying the land.

But here he was, lying in a recliner. Shadows that couldn't be erased were cast over the bones on his face.....And the only thing I could do to show him love is to touch his elbow. Or make sure I gave him a huge hug the moment I saw him.

To show him that I wasn't afraid of him, or afraid of the cancer that was killing his body. I wanted to show him my love through it all.

I hope my visit with Ken brought him some light. Or something. Even if my visit was only for two days. I know it brought me something. A chance to give my love to Ken & Marcia. An opportunity to visit the authentic Amanda who is very soft, tender-hearted, and warm.

A few times while I was there I felt sick, and had trouble sleeping. The air was so thick with life, death, sickness, bitter sweet love, and change. I found myself waking up in a sweat with a stomach ache, all alone in the big fluffy B&B bed. I couldn't help but wonder if I was feeling some of Ken's pain at that moment. All I can do now is pray that Ken is comforted through this time, that he finds peace in letting go. That this life here isn't all we have, and he probably has an even better "Enchanted Valley" in his future. I left him a nice note in the B&B Guest Book. I told him it was very "enchanting" to meet him. I hope he read it, and knows that it is true.♥

A Vision Board Blog of how I view the Enchanted Valley:
 
 

My Delicious Philosophy.

Imagine going to a museum and you see a piece of artwork.
This artwork means something to you, it calls your name.
What would make this piece of art even better?
If you could eat it! And if it tasted like out of this world unimaginable things.

Like a cloud sweetened with cotton candy.

The cream filling inside of a sprinkled donut.

What if it tasted like how coffee smells?

A cherry jelly belly.

The good stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

How about juicy red strawberries on a hot July day?

An entire pancake breakfast. For dinner.

Sweet and salty.

The chocolate surprise on the bottom of a drumstick.

Can you imagine eating a piece of artwork that tastes like a Milky Way Bar?

What if it tasted like that night you stayed up all night with your best friend eating cookie dough?

Or the cherry on top of your boyfriend's sundae that he hands you because he knows how much you adore cherries?

Maybe it could taste like the time you snuck a scoop of ice cream from the freezer when no one was watching. (At least you don't think anyone was watching).

Or maybe it wasn't a scoop of ice cream but a big scoop of delicious peanut butter right out of the jar?

A soothing margarita that takes you a way to faraway islands.

Or an elegant glass of pink champagne.


This is my "delicious philosophy."
I feel like everything that I create on my little cupcake masterpiece is my way of expressing my artistic side, and sharing my heart.
Then people can eat it! And it warms their tummies.
I especially love the hugs and love I get from people when I deliver the cupcakes.
The moment before they dive in to the goodness.
When their breath is taken away from the beautiful edible delight they see in front of them.
And it's like a dream come true.

The fact that it is pretty makes it yummier.
That is what I have to remind people when they tell me that my cupcakes are too pretty to eat!
I tell them..
"Try it.  Don't be afraid that it is pretty.  That's why I make it pretty, because pretty tastes better!"

http://www.amandacupcake.blogspot.com/

I'm less like Martha Stewart and more like Lucille Ball....

Right now I am sitting at home with this awful flu thing
I feel better for a few hours, and then I am down and out in bed.

When I am sick it is good time to treasure silence that isn't "allowed" in a normal 9-5 day..or 40-60 hour work week.

You know your job isn't right for you when you wish you would get sick just so you could sleep in a day!
That's what I used to wish for..and it is sad that a lot of people find themselves wishing for the same thing.

Life shouldn't be about just sitting, hoping, and waiting for some time that you can steal away for yourself.
Especially if it means that time is spent sweating, then freezing, coughing, and drugging yourself up on Theraflu!

But what I did enjoy about my flu this time..
was watching I Love Lucy.

Dan gave me the first season on DVD for Valentine's Day because I adore Lucille Ball so much.
Because I had the flu I was able to lay down in a fluffy bed and watch her black and white picture shine throughout my dimlit bedroom.

I laughed so hard..
What ever happened to actresses like Lucille Ball?
Who didn't have to wear silicone breast implants, scandalize her world with a spontaneous sex tape....or be an heir to someone famous. She was famous because she had talent, and she was a true inspiration!

Once in his life, every man is entitled to  fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

Her petite body was covered up with polka dots, aprons or robes.
But when she revealed her hourglass tiny dancer on stage, it was like watching a beautiful peacock display their feathers..for a fleeting moment!

With the magic of an action or a word, she just made people laugh.
I am sure she made people live longer.
She had this God - given gift to make people laugh, and she shared it with everyone.

And I am thinking that she may have even helped me heal today!
So cheers to you, Lucille Ball!
Cheers to things that make me laugh...
make me feel young..
silly...
brave enough to try anything...
and very aware that imperfection can be beautiful.

“I’m not funny. What I am is brave.”
“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.”





My friend Alicia dressed up as Ricky one year for Halloween..and me--as Lucy ♥

Turning thoughts into dreams that may just become a reality.

Maybe I am Crazy.

....But there is always some Genius in the Crazy!

Perhaps I am destined to do something Amazing.

Or just plain Ordinary.....

(but what is ordinary exactly?)




I have been told to Create my destiny.






Some other "experts" may say my destiny is Planned.

 



I think I'd rather summarize me as..

A Genius with Crazy undertones

who has Planned to Create

something Amazing out of what

was thought to have been Ordinary.





Lost Treasure: How It Was Found.

I am starting this blog today for a number of reasons. One being that I feel like a new Amanda (me!) has emerged. For the first time in a long time I feel inspired. I am also welcoming a recent happy feeling into my heart.

This last year had been a rough one. Even if I live in beautiful sunny Southern California.

I was in a car wreck, I got engaged, broke off an engagement, said goodbye to the man..the best friend...I have had for 10 years.

That was the hardest part. I am still going through the grieving process, because it honestly feels like someone I loved my whole life died. But with death starts a new chapter. A new chance to explore myself, my new life..a life I haven't had for ten years because I've been waiting for something that just wasn't going to happen.

After Christmas I was in a really dark place, mainly because I saw my ex-fiance when I went back home for the Holidays (to Wisconsin). That opened a huge wound. Note: He had only been considered my ex for the last 2 1/2 months. Before that we were planning our whole lives together.

When I saw him again, he was doing better without me than I thought he would be. Unexpectedly, he seemed in better spirits than I was. He looked muscular. When we were together, it was a struggle to get him to go to the gym with me. Now he looked like he had some meat on his bones.
In contrast I had lost a lot of weight from my grief, but I felt like my face looked bony and a little aged from the pain. For the first time ever in all the years I had known him, he told me how we might be able to forget about each other when we meet someone else someday. This statement shocked me so much that it took my breath away.

After all, these words were coming from the the man that jumped on a plane to California, swooped me off my feet, knelt down in the sand at 9pm with the ocean crashing behind us, a ring in hand..begging me to be his wife. I remember so clearly saying yes as he brushed the sand off his knees, his face full of excitement and relief. I knew at that moment this was what I always wanted from him, with him. He was my best friend, and there was no one else on this earth like him.

I called my parents and his dad (who were impatiently waiting) screaming,

"I said Yes!"

Phone calls, emails were pouring in left and right with congratulations.

The day after his proposal, I couldn't work all day. People kept visiting me at my desk and calling my phone to hear this amazing love story about a man who flew from Wisconsin to California and proposed to me in the sand on a deserted beach. There is something to be said about an amazing love story.

As I tried on diamond white wedding dresses, I imagined his face gleaming on our wedding day. I would walk down the aisle to meet him as his beautiful bride. I couldn't wait to be his one and only forever.

The dream was a little too good to be true in the end. He proposed in July, and left me with the dream sitting on the couch on a Tuesday morning in September 2008.

Now here we were together again.......sitting in -5 degree weather in Waupaca, Wisconsin, a few days after New Years 2009. I was secretly ashamed for not being strong enough to stay away. But it had been the first holiday without him in ten years and I couldn't take not seeing his face anymore. I just wanted to touch his skin.

I listened to him talk about how he was destructive to me and that's why he and I just weren't meant for each other. Another stab at my bleeding heart.

We hugged. We kissed. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't pry him away. He has always felt like a part of my skin. He kept telling me that he didn't want to leave. However, it felt more like he didn't want to leave because he felt sorry for me. I know he saw the pain in my eyes. He always hated hurting me. After all he had experience in this arena. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I wanted him to love me so much that he couldn't stand to be without me.

I forced him to leave. I told him good-bye. This good-bye felt like the same good-bye we shared in September when he left me at sunrise on my couch in California. It was almost impossible to drive away into the icy cold weather. I watched him close the passenger door even though I wanted to pull him back in. I knew this was it. I forced the gear into "drive" and I drove away into the dark empty sky..the cold air. I don't even remember much about the drive home.

I stepped into my parents' silent house, my lips not pale from the cold, but from the shock of seeing the ghost of someone I so insanely loved. It drove me insane that life could be so cruel. Why is it that love is just not enough?

I couldn't smile for days. As my parents faded into the distance at the airport the day I left for California, I swear I saw my dad fighting back tears. His eyes welled up and turned red. His mouth was tight. I never see my dad get like this. I knew he was sad to see me in pain. He felt helpless.

The last time I heard from my ex-fiance he wrote me an email. He said when we reunited in January, he saw me wearing my heart shaped sunglasses when I drove up to meet him. He noticed my brunette hair bordered with an Indian headband. These little accessories like the heart shaped sunglasses and headband made him recall the reason he ran all the way out to California to propose to me. When I read his memory about the heart sunglasses and brunette hair bordered by a headband, I realized something. I don't want someone to have to be reminded as to why they would chase me down or love me. They should just want to love me, crave my being, feel my presence even if I am not there. My heart sunglasses shouldn't have to wake it back up again. That's when I knew that I deserved better treatment and recognition for the treasure that I am.

I never wrote him anything meaningful back. I was sick of pining over this person who wasn't able to fulfill my ultimate dream of love and passion.

I was tired of going to movies like Benjamin Button and crying in the car ride all the way home because sections of it reminded me of the way he said good-bye to me. Or sometimes I would watch Katy Perry's video "Hot & Cold" that ironically mimicked him to a "t". I used this music video to vent the frustration out of my mind.

I needed it all to stop! And the only way to let it stop was .. and is.. to get on with my life. The life that God has planned for me. I've figured something out.

Being single, I have a huge responsibility. To be an everyday angel.. to fulfill the reason why I am single.

When I let myself fall in love again, I will know it is right because I will be treated like the treasure that I am.

I honestly believe that my ex-fiance will someday have a chance to fall hard for someone in a different way. He will realize she is better for him because he won't need a detail like heart sunglasses to remind him why he would do anything to be with her. Even though it hurts to think about him being with someone else in a better way than with me, I hope he does experience it. Then he will know that he can give what he never thought he could. I just wasn't the right person to show him this.

As far as me..I plan on staying single for at least a year. I won't even look for a relationship. That's not what I need right now.

Like I said, I have a huge responsibility as a single woman. I can't get past this overwhelming feeling that my next chapter involves traveling and letting my generous heart overflow to others along the windy road or bumpy clouds.

When I retire someday I would love to kick back, spin some pottery on a wheel, and recall all the amazing places I explored.

I would love to play costume party with my grandchildren while I tell them all of the stories of the lands I once discovered, the loves I experienced. I can see it now. I will pull a whole bunch of jewelry and hats out of a whimsical treasure chest I've collected from each special land I visited and let the children try them on.

Right now I work a 9-6 job and I love what I do, it is what I moved to California from Wisconsin for. I work in the fashion industry and am a swimsuit fit model. But oh how I would love to be a travel writer! I think I could incorporate my fashion in with my travels!

This is why I want to work for Australia. Yes. I said Australia. Right now I have the opportunity to live in a Villa on an Australian island while I write blogs and take photos of all my adventures everyday. The pay is great too, but the main reason I want this so bad is because it is a perfect fit for me.

I wasn't even inspired by hearing about it. I was inspired BEFORE I heard about it. In fact, I had been telling a friend how much I wished I could become a travel writer. It would enhance all my skills-the fact that I love to meet new people, will try almost anything once, love to eat food, take photos of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, then share my experiences with everyone possible through my words. The next day, my co-worker (who had no idea of my travel writing wishes) came in with the article talking about this amazing position open with the tourism bureau in Australia. She told me she had brought the article in with me in mind. If that wasn't a sign that the travel writing job is for me, I don't know what is.

So this next week I am going to go through the submission process. It involves filling up a 60 second video with enough Amanda-ness to convince Hamilton Island in Australia that I am just what it needs for fulfillment! Just as equally, I need Hamilton Island. This job spells out Amanda in the clouds. It is everything I am good at. All I can do is try.........and let God do the rest. No dream is too big for him.

Australia Dream Job Website:
http://www.islandreefjob.com/en/

This is where I'll be posting my video soon!