Somewhere Over The Rainbow.......

This month has been oh so gloomy.

I feel like I've been in a cloudy tornado-esque haze.

One reason might be that I battled a tornado-like storm last week.

I have never really seen anything like this storm, it was unforgiving.

I woke up to complete darkness on a Friday morning. At 9am it was dark and quiet in my 100 year old house. Until the winds started blowing and bending the trees in half.

I had to run for cover as quick as possible.  I hid out in my parents' dark basement amidst sticky cob webs and in a wet puddle of who knows what. At one point I thought I was stuck in the basement because I couldn't find the door handle to get out. The storm crept up so quickly that I didn't have time to grab anything other than my cat and my Iphone.

I was all alone. My parents were gone.  I had no idea if they were okay because I knew they were traveling.  So I was scared out of my mind. Listening to 90mph winds rage outside. The house was void of electricity starting at 9am on what should have been a bright happy Friday. 

It was like something you see in a movie.

When the storm moved on to the next town, I walked upstairs and expected to see my entire house ripped apart.  But it wasn't. 

And I wasn't wearing Ruby Slippers.

I was however..wearing black sequin shorts that were now dirty from sitting on the creepy basement floor. Maybe that was my modern day Dorothy touch?

I guess I really felt my mortality in this storm.

I felt that I am not invincible.

I was at the mercy of whatever God's plan was for me that day.

And that could have been anything.

Just look at all of the natural disasters going on right now.

It seems no one is untouched.

But I really know a big reason I felt my mortality during this storm....

I recently lost a few good friends of mine to this thing called death.

Not to sound morbid or anything, but I have never really lost that many close friends to death. And in one week I found out about the death of two of my friends.

What startles me the most is how someone can be here for one minute..

and then they disappear the next.

Their body is still here.

But they aren't on this earth.

They are unable to talk to you face to face.

No more eye contact.

I can't hear the laughter.

Or receive their phone calls.

They'll never update their facebook status again.

But yet...their facebook page is still open.

A piece of history.. that proves that they were here..

The magic of modern technology is that it somehow keeps my friends alive forever.. 

by documenting the time and the date that they were still with me here on this earth.

Ten years ago now, I looked at my grandpa after he passed away.

And he looked nothing like my grandpa.
I almost didn't recognize him, the only thing that was distinct was the bump on his nose.

It is amazing how much your spirit makes up your entire physical essence.

It just shows us all how alive our spirit truly is, always.

Not just here, but when we leave here too.

I don't have all the answers, but the power of missing my friends so deeply is too incredible to not know that there is a Heaven. ♥

 

It was Enchanting To Meet You.

This past weekend I went to visit a friend who has terminal cancer  .His name is Ken. And his wife's name is Marcia. They own a beautiful B&B on acres and acres of land. They create everything from this land-jars of jelly, fresh veggies for dinner, freshly squeezed juice. The name of the B&B is perfect: "The Enchanted Valley." In Cross Plains, Wisconsin.

I have special memories of my own there. I remember the first time I visited the place and it was so serene and beautiful. Ken and Marcia were so charismatic, magical, and loving. Sometimes I believed that when I left the house, Marcia and Ken would disappear because they were actually not human but instead angels, inviting me there to better my life in some way.

It has been 7 years since I faithfully visited their B&B, but I have always kept in contact with Ken & Marcia.Mainly because the last reason I visited, I hugged them and told them they were like my third set of grandparents. That feeling has stuck with me and never left.

Marcia sent me a pretty desperate sounding email a few weeks ago, and it sounded like she was battling a lot of emotional stress.

I knew then that Ken was dying, and I had to go see him before it was too late. So this last weekend I went to The Enchanted Valley all by myself to see Ken & Marcia. I helped Marcia with things she needed around the house. Like the dishes, squeezing grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. I put sheets on my own bed. I woke up early on a Saturday morning and went to the State Street farmers market in Madison to buy Ken & Marcia a new plant they could add to their beautiful yard. The patio we used to sit on outside to eat breakfast together was dusty and dark. The patio furniture was covered in plastic. There were no heart shaped french toast pieces for breakfast, and I found myself helping Marcia squeeze the grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. Such a small thing was such a huge help to her.


Post it notes from hospice were stuck on the walls of the house.

Ken was so tired, his eyes would shut in the middle of a conversation. While the words escaped his mouth, his eyelids were closed. I felt him slipping away, and like a part of him was already in another place.


The hard thing to face is that he told me he wasn't ready yet, he still had a lot more he wanted to do here.

Marcia revealed her worries to me over moonlight & a cup of chai in the room off the kitchen.She tried to lay out her life to me and the plans she had for it after he was gone. Her eyes were dry with no tears because she said she had already done most of her grieving. Although sometimes the grief shocked her all at once with no warning. Every once in a while she'd ask me, "Do you think Ken can hear me? I hope not." And she'd look off in the direction of his bedroom.


I have known people who have passed from cancer. I even remember the night my grandma passed away from cancer when I was four years old. I saw this weird light that resembled a disco ball on the ceiling of my room and I swear it was her saying good-bye. I started crying because it was sort of creepy. Then my dad came up to my room to comfort me. I remember him carrying me in his arms, and told him that my grandma was up in Heaven now, smiling down at us. Where I got that from being four years old I don't know.


What I have never experienced is what it is like to actually watch someone pass away from cancer.Someone that you have experienced sweetness and the energy of life with. Ken was always passionate about life, always wanting to move on to the next thing.

Ken loved his life out in the "Enchanted Valley" and had more plans of farming, harvesting, and enjoying the land.

But here he was, lying in a recliner. Shadows that couldn't be erased were cast over the bones on his face.....And the only thing I could do to show him love is to touch his elbow. Or make sure I gave him a huge hug the moment I saw him.

To show him that I wasn't afraid of him, or afraid of the cancer that was killing his body. I wanted to show him my love through it all.

I hope my visit with Ken brought him some light. Or something. Even if my visit was only for two days. I know it brought me something. A chance to give my love to Ken & Marcia. An opportunity to visit the authentic Amanda who is very soft, tender-hearted, and warm.

A few times while I was there I felt sick, and had trouble sleeping. The air was so thick with life, death, sickness, bitter sweet love, and change. I found myself waking up in a sweat with a stomach ache, all alone in the big fluffy B&B bed. I couldn't help but wonder if I was feeling some of Ken's pain at that moment. All I can do now is pray that Ken is comforted through this time, that he finds peace in letting go. That this life here isn't all we have, and he probably has an even better "Enchanted Valley" in his future. I left him a nice note in the B&B Guest Book. I told him it was very "enchanting" to meet him. I hope he read it, and knows that it is true.♥

A Vision Board Blog of how I view the Enchanted Valley: