It was Enchanting To Meet You.

This past weekend I went to visit a friend who has terminal cancer  .His name is Ken. And his wife's name is Marcia. They own a beautiful B&B on acres and acres of land. They create everything from this land-jars of jelly, fresh veggies for dinner, freshly squeezed juice. The name of the B&B is perfect: "The Enchanted Valley." In Cross Plains, Wisconsin.

I have special memories of my own there. I remember the first time I visited the place and it was so serene and beautiful. Ken and Marcia were so charismatic, magical, and loving. Sometimes I believed that when I left the house, Marcia and Ken would disappear because they were actually not human but instead angels, inviting me there to better my life in some way.

It has been 7 years since I faithfully visited their B&B, but I have always kept in contact with Ken & Marcia.Mainly because the last reason I visited, I hugged them and told them they were like my third set of grandparents. That feeling has stuck with me and never left.

Marcia sent me a pretty desperate sounding email a few weeks ago, and it sounded like she was battling a lot of emotional stress.

I knew then that Ken was dying, and I had to go see him before it was too late. So this last weekend I went to The Enchanted Valley all by myself to see Ken & Marcia. I helped Marcia with things she needed around the house. Like the dishes, squeezing grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. I put sheets on my own bed. I woke up early on a Saturday morning and went to the State Street farmers market in Madison to buy Ken & Marcia a new plant they could add to their beautiful yard. The patio we used to sit on outside to eat breakfast together was dusty and dark. The patio furniture was covered in plastic. There were no heart shaped french toast pieces for breakfast, and I found myself helping Marcia squeeze the grapefruit for fresh juice in the morning. Such a small thing was such a huge help to her.


Post it notes from hospice were stuck on the walls of the house.

Ken was so tired, his eyes would shut in the middle of a conversation. While the words escaped his mouth, his eyelids were closed. I felt him slipping away, and like a part of him was already in another place.


The hard thing to face is that he told me he wasn't ready yet, he still had a lot more he wanted to do here.

Marcia revealed her worries to me over moonlight & a cup of chai in the room off the kitchen.She tried to lay out her life to me and the plans she had for it after he was gone. Her eyes were dry with no tears because she said she had already done most of her grieving. Although sometimes the grief shocked her all at once with no warning. Every once in a while she'd ask me, "Do you think Ken can hear me? I hope not." And she'd look off in the direction of his bedroom.


I have known people who have passed from cancer. I even remember the night my grandma passed away from cancer when I was four years old. I saw this weird light that resembled a disco ball on the ceiling of my room and I swear it was her saying good-bye. I started crying because it was sort of creepy. Then my dad came up to my room to comfort me. I remember him carrying me in his arms, and told him that my grandma was up in Heaven now, smiling down at us. Where I got that from being four years old I don't know.


What I have never experienced is what it is like to actually watch someone pass away from cancer.Someone that you have experienced sweetness and the energy of life with. Ken was always passionate about life, always wanting to move on to the next thing.

Ken loved his life out in the "Enchanted Valley" and had more plans of farming, harvesting, and enjoying the land.

But here he was, lying in a recliner. Shadows that couldn't be erased were cast over the bones on his face.....And the only thing I could do to show him love is to touch his elbow. Or make sure I gave him a huge hug the moment I saw him.

To show him that I wasn't afraid of him, or afraid of the cancer that was killing his body. I wanted to show him my love through it all.

I hope my visit with Ken brought him some light. Or something. Even if my visit was only for two days. I know it brought me something. A chance to give my love to Ken & Marcia. An opportunity to visit the authentic Amanda who is very soft, tender-hearted, and warm.

A few times while I was there I felt sick, and had trouble sleeping. The air was so thick with life, death, sickness, bitter sweet love, and change. I found myself waking up in a sweat with a stomach ache, all alone in the big fluffy B&B bed. I couldn't help but wonder if I was feeling some of Ken's pain at that moment. All I can do now is pray that Ken is comforted through this time, that he finds peace in letting go. That this life here isn't all we have, and he probably has an even better "Enchanted Valley" in his future. I left him a nice note in the B&B Guest Book. I told him it was very "enchanting" to meet him. I hope he read it, and knows that it is true.♥

A Vision Board Blog of how I view the Enchanted Valley:
 
 

A Camera Is a Fun Toy.........

I just found some old photos from the Amanda archives

from the California days I enjoyed photo shoots with aspiring photographers..

Just for the pure joy of living.

 I think everyone should enjoy a photo shoot day.

Even if you aren't a supermodel.

I most certainly am not.

I have curves all over my body in places that I can't even control.

A chicken pox scar above my eyebrow.

A bump on my nose that I inherited from my grandfather.

A crooked smile kinda like Drew Barrymore, but I am not Drew Barrymore!

That is because I am me!

The things that I have sometimes hated..

are the things that many have swooned over.

It is time to give up on the stereotypical beauty..

and embrace your every little labeled "flaw"
for that is what might just make you fabulous!

The camera smiles at imperfections.

Those imperfections suddenly express you.

And you have something beautiful within

that the camera lens refuses to ignore.



"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius,
and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than
absolutely boring."
~Marilyn Monroe.


I like to bring my friends because we are so vibrant and colorful together.
Any camera will do.
Even a cell phone camera.
People always laugh at me because my little digital cameras always get banged up.
I tell them it's because my camera has visited other countries, cities, states and met so many beautiful faces.

"I had never been on a date where I went to a movie with a girl and her apartment after to drink wine, dress up in crazy wigs, and take pictures.  That is what made me see that you were different than other girls.  You were fun, and I could tell you loved life.  I knew I could fall in love with you that very moment."

-a quote about my first date with my love, Dan Eberhardt.

The not-so-deep thing about pictures..
is that the more you take..
even if they are self photos..
they document a part of your life.

You can remember where you were,
what time of the year it was,
who you were with,
what you were feeling right then,
and maybe even what you did before .. or after.

"She glances at the photo, and the pilot light of memory flickers in her eyes."



One of those unexpected, "please don't take my photo"

moments might end up naturally pretty.

Don't fight your true beauty.

Even if it is the very next day,
it is so fun to find photographs..
To remember what your memory couldn't possibly envision without them.

"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving.
What you have caught on film is captured forever.
It remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything."



Lost Treasure: How It Was Found.

I am starting this blog today for a number of reasons. One being that I feel like a new Amanda (me!) has emerged. For the first time in a long time I feel inspired. I am also welcoming a recent happy feeling into my heart.

This last year had been a rough one. Even if I live in beautiful sunny Southern California.

I was in a car wreck, I got engaged, broke off an engagement, said goodbye to the man..the best friend...I have had for 10 years.

That was the hardest part. I am still going through the grieving process, because it honestly feels like someone I loved my whole life died. But with death starts a new chapter. A new chance to explore myself, my new life..a life I haven't had for ten years because I've been waiting for something that just wasn't going to happen.

After Christmas I was in a really dark place, mainly because I saw my ex-fiance when I went back home for the Holidays (to Wisconsin). That opened a huge wound. Note: He had only been considered my ex for the last 2 1/2 months. Before that we were planning our whole lives together.

When I saw him again, he was doing better without me than I thought he would be. Unexpectedly, he seemed in better spirits than I was. He looked muscular. When we were together, it was a struggle to get him to go to the gym with me. Now he looked like he had some meat on his bones.
In contrast I had lost a lot of weight from my grief, but I felt like my face looked bony and a little aged from the pain. For the first time ever in all the years I had known him, he told me how we might be able to forget about each other when we meet someone else someday. This statement shocked me so much that it took my breath away.

After all, these words were coming from the the man that jumped on a plane to California, swooped me off my feet, knelt down in the sand at 9pm with the ocean crashing behind us, a ring in hand..begging me to be his wife. I remember so clearly saying yes as he brushed the sand off his knees, his face full of excitement and relief. I knew at that moment this was what I always wanted from him, with him. He was my best friend, and there was no one else on this earth like him.

I called my parents and his dad (who were impatiently waiting) screaming,

"I said Yes!"

Phone calls, emails were pouring in left and right with congratulations.

The day after his proposal, I couldn't work all day. People kept visiting me at my desk and calling my phone to hear this amazing love story about a man who flew from Wisconsin to California and proposed to me in the sand on a deserted beach. There is something to be said about an amazing love story.

As I tried on diamond white wedding dresses, I imagined his face gleaming on our wedding day. I would walk down the aisle to meet him as his beautiful bride. I couldn't wait to be his one and only forever.

The dream was a little too good to be true in the end. He proposed in July, and left me with the dream sitting on the couch on a Tuesday morning in September 2008.

Now here we were together again.......sitting in -5 degree weather in Waupaca, Wisconsin, a few days after New Years 2009. I was secretly ashamed for not being strong enough to stay away. But it had been the first holiday without him in ten years and I couldn't take not seeing his face anymore. I just wanted to touch his skin.

I listened to him talk about how he was destructive to me and that's why he and I just weren't meant for each other. Another stab at my bleeding heart.

We hugged. We kissed. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't pry him away. He has always felt like a part of my skin. He kept telling me that he didn't want to leave. However, it felt more like he didn't want to leave because he felt sorry for me. I know he saw the pain in my eyes. He always hated hurting me. After all he had experience in this arena. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I wanted him to love me so much that he couldn't stand to be without me.

I forced him to leave. I told him good-bye. This good-bye felt like the same good-bye we shared in September when he left me at sunrise on my couch in California. It was almost impossible to drive away into the icy cold weather. I watched him close the passenger door even though I wanted to pull him back in. I knew this was it. I forced the gear into "drive" and I drove away into the dark empty sky..the cold air. I don't even remember much about the drive home.

I stepped into my parents' silent house, my lips not pale from the cold, but from the shock of seeing the ghost of someone I so insanely loved. It drove me insane that life could be so cruel. Why is it that love is just not enough?

I couldn't smile for days. As my parents faded into the distance at the airport the day I left for California, I swear I saw my dad fighting back tears. His eyes welled up and turned red. His mouth was tight. I never see my dad get like this. I knew he was sad to see me in pain. He felt helpless.

The last time I heard from my ex-fiance he wrote me an email. He said when we reunited in January, he saw me wearing my heart shaped sunglasses when I drove up to meet him. He noticed my brunette hair bordered with an Indian headband. These little accessories like the heart shaped sunglasses and headband made him recall the reason he ran all the way out to California to propose to me. When I read his memory about the heart sunglasses and brunette hair bordered by a headband, I realized something. I don't want someone to have to be reminded as to why they would chase me down or love me. They should just want to love me, crave my being, feel my presence even if I am not there. My heart sunglasses shouldn't have to wake it back up again. That's when I knew that I deserved better treatment and recognition for the treasure that I am.

I never wrote him anything meaningful back. I was sick of pining over this person who wasn't able to fulfill my ultimate dream of love and passion.

I was tired of going to movies like Benjamin Button and crying in the car ride all the way home because sections of it reminded me of the way he said good-bye to me. Or sometimes I would watch Katy Perry's video "Hot & Cold" that ironically mimicked him to a "t". I used this music video to vent the frustration out of my mind.

I needed it all to stop! And the only way to let it stop was .. and is.. to get on with my life. The life that God has planned for me. I've figured something out.

Being single, I have a huge responsibility. To be an everyday angel.. to fulfill the reason why I am single.

When I let myself fall in love again, I will know it is right because I will be treated like the treasure that I am.

I honestly believe that my ex-fiance will someday have a chance to fall hard for someone in a different way. He will realize she is better for him because he won't need a detail like heart sunglasses to remind him why he would do anything to be with her. Even though it hurts to think about him being with someone else in a better way than with me, I hope he does experience it. Then he will know that he can give what he never thought he could. I just wasn't the right person to show him this.

As far as me..I plan on staying single for at least a year. I won't even look for a relationship. That's not what I need right now.

Like I said, I have a huge responsibility as a single woman. I can't get past this overwhelming feeling that my next chapter involves traveling and letting my generous heart overflow to others along the windy road or bumpy clouds.

When I retire someday I would love to kick back, spin some pottery on a wheel, and recall all the amazing places I explored.

I would love to play costume party with my grandchildren while I tell them all of the stories of the lands I once discovered, the loves I experienced. I can see it now. I will pull a whole bunch of jewelry and hats out of a whimsical treasure chest I've collected from each special land I visited and let the children try them on.

Right now I work a 9-6 job and I love what I do, it is what I moved to California from Wisconsin for. I work in the fashion industry and am a swimsuit fit model. But oh how I would love to be a travel writer! I think I could incorporate my fashion in with my travels!

This is why I want to work for Australia. Yes. I said Australia. Right now I have the opportunity to live in a Villa on an Australian island while I write blogs and take photos of all my adventures everyday. The pay is great too, but the main reason I want this so bad is because it is a perfect fit for me.

I wasn't even inspired by hearing about it. I was inspired BEFORE I heard about it. In fact, I had been telling a friend how much I wished I could become a travel writer. It would enhance all my skills-the fact that I love to meet new people, will try almost anything once, love to eat food, take photos of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, then share my experiences with everyone possible through my words. The next day, my co-worker (who had no idea of my travel writing wishes) came in with the article talking about this amazing position open with the tourism bureau in Australia. She told me she had brought the article in with me in mind. If that wasn't a sign that the travel writing job is for me, I don't know what is.

So this next week I am going to go through the submission process. It involves filling up a 60 second video with enough Amanda-ness to convince Hamilton Island in Australia that I am just what it needs for fulfillment! Just as equally, I need Hamilton Island. This job spells out Amanda in the clouds. It is everything I am good at. All I can do is try.........and let God do the rest. No dream is too big for him.

Australia Dream Job Website:
http://www.islandreefjob.com/en/

This is where I'll be posting my video soon!