So here I am at my new place in Newport Beach, California!
I love it here.
I have a place that I can finally call my home.
I haven't had that in over a year now.
In fact to celebrate (and make my apartment smell good), I baked chocolate chip cookies in my new kitchen yesterday.
I just had to remind myself never to eat that much cookie dough again. I made my tummy a little sick!
With this anchor I finally have under my feet, I have prayed and prayed about making a certain decision that I announced I was doing, but deep inside I didn't feel quite ready for yet.
And I have decided that this year, I am not going to travel to Thailand on a missions trip.
Not because I don't want to.
Not because I am not meant to.
Believe me, my biggest dream is to travel the world.
The reason I am not going to Thailand is because I see how crazy my life has been for so long.
I am honestly exhausted from all the pressure I have put on myself.
I've been jumping from thing to thing, thinking that because my life changed so drastically within the past year that obviously I must be destined to do something amazing.
When what my spirit, heart and mind needs at this moment in my life is a rest.
Kind of like what my body needs to do when I am sick.
I need this chance to heal and clarify things. This past year was so life changing that I became a different person.
Before this past year, I was carefree, pretty selfish, into my own thing. I did everything for me. I acted like I was invincible.
That's what I was used to. I was independent and thought I could be a success on my own.
But honestly, my plans aren't always the best. God let me put my hand in the cookie jar for a long time..
but because he cared about my success in his plans.. he took the cookie jar away from me.
So after this year..minus the cookie jar... I have reunited with the authentic me again. But this time it is the authentic girl meeting a woman.
I'd rather stay at home and watch a movie or have an interesting conversation with a friend instead of go out dancing or share the room with a huge crowd of half drunk strangers.
Friday nights I am always exhausted from work. I love to put on my pajamas, throw myself on the blankets and close my eyes. That is Heaven.
Instead of driving my pretty little convertible I want a simple, inexpensive car that will get me from point A to point B.
I want to pay off my debts so that when I am healed and ready to make the next step, I will be free.
I want to follow this "tender heart" my mom always told me I've had.
This is a gift from God that I haven't used enough. But now I yearn to use it.
My heart is back. It was always here but I blocked it for a long time.
A certain someone who proposed to me in the sand woke up my heart again-even if it ended up hurting later.
It was worth it.
I've established a relationship with God again. He's always been a big part of my life, but it seems the past six years I've put him at the bottom of my list.
Now this year I want to spend my time asking him what he wants for me. Instead of me asking me what I should do.
I've stopped drinking alcohol pretty much completely except for rare social occasions.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and try not to listen to all the cynics when it comes to love. I'd rather listen to my heart - and if I get hurt along the way.. well.. I guess I just lived a little more than I did before.
I've pondered over going to culinary school so I can learn the science of baking/food and of course to sharpen my decorating skills.
But I know for sure I am going to start my cupcake biz on the down low-for weddings, events, friends, etc.
I've really found a passion for food-and not just junk food either.
This past year-as stressful as it was-was also very nutritionally and physically successful for me.
I really have a passion for health food - especially for finding or turning junk food into health food. I think I might have something there.
I just never knew that food would be the avenue I'd best express my artistic talents in!
I hate negative anything-It actually burns my ears..or my heart..or spirit. Or all of the above.
I can't listen to screaming rock and roll music or degrading rap music.
I used to be able to block that stuff out, but now if it plays in the background I have to walk away from it.
I think this has something to do with my fresh raw tender heart.
Life doesn't have to be this crazy whirlwind of changes in order to be a success.
It is hard for me to just sit here because usually I am the kind that says - you want something - you go out and make it happen.
But right now a little voice in my heart is telling me...
Sometimes the best "plans" aren't planned at all.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thirty Flirty and Thriving!!!!
On June 12th 2009 I turned 30.
I feel a bittersweet twinge of sentiment when I reflect on the past decade-especially knowing that my twenties are behind me and I will never see them again. If someone heard me saying this out loud it would certainly not be in a somber tone.
My twenties were for exploring, growing up, making mistakes and repairing myself from them, experiencing things for the first time, being raw and vulnerable, taking chances, celebrating that I overcame my awkward and mortifying high school years.
Now that I am standing on the edge of my thirties I know more of what I want--even if my plans don't work out how I expected them to. I've learned that God has a plan for me and my way isn't always the best. I still plan on making mistakes because Lord knows I don't know everything and I never will. Mistakes seem to be the best thing that can happen to me. I have grown a little bit taller through each mistake I have made.
I remember being a teenager and my art teacher used my art as an example to the entire class.
She said,
"Amanda has her own style. She starts drawing and doesn't even worry about her mistakes. Instead she works with them and changes what would be an imperfection into something beautiful."
My high school art teacher read me pretty well. I look back on that now and see how much my painting and writing style applies to my life.
I've never been one to look back and regret anything or hate a "mistake" I made.
I am not really even someone who worries all that much because I know that in the end if I make the best of the present situation, it will all work out in some magical way.
(Even if I do cry a lot when something bad happens.. I let it out all out and move on).
So where did time go? I am now a thirty year old woman with a new decade to look forward to. A flawed, imperfect unsure thirty year old woman. Sometimes I still feel like a vulnerable infant when I stand in front of this incomprehensible world before me. At the same time I am really excited to see what this brand new decade brings as I climb uphill.
The Highlights of my Twenties:
..Lost somewhere out here in cyberspace now!
**Falling in Love for the first time.
**My brother's marriage to Courtney.
**The birth of my niece Gaia (who is now 2 1/2) and my new baby nephew Griffin just born last month.
**Getting the opportunity to give my grandpa Carl a hug and a kiss good-bye before he left this earth.
**My parents. Just for being the support that they are and always will be.
**Discovering my passion for cupcakes and displaying my love for art on cupcakes.
**Reuniting with so many of my friends from the past because the world is such a small place. Now they have become friends again to me in my present.
**Living in several amazing places in one decade:
Waupaca-my hometown
Chicago-Short and not so sweet
Green Bay-Really sentimental memories there.
Los Angeles-I've never made a better decision than to move there. It changed my whole life and allowed me to free my true spirit.
Orange County: Working for Billabong, surrounded by opportunity, staring at the beautiful ocean, feeling the grains of sand between my toes
**Discovering Sushi. I don't know what I'd do without it now that I know how yummy it is!
**Traveling to Paris, Germany, Amsterdam, Iceland, Milan, Hong Kong
**Discovering personal trainers and fitness. I was the biggest clutz in my high school years. Now I can do pullups, pushups, squats galore, yoga, pilates, and would love to be considered an "athlete." This was probably one of my best decisions ever as well.
**The third year IMPD program at FIDM. I created a line of denim to sell at Wal-Mart and presented it to VF Corporation. I totally jumped out of my comfort zone to try for this opportunity..and I made it into the top 12!
**Finding and Sharing Love with all different people. I have found that I have a really generous sharing heart. I've shared this with other people and because of that I have established many interesting and fun relationships with friends from all over the world.
**Meeting Jack Nicholson when I first moved to Los Angeles. Face to face. Just me and him in the room. He was wearing his classic sunglasses, and he flashed his famous smile at me to say "Hello." To me, this was a sign I was doing the right thing.
**Living in Burbank, CA. Probably one of the most fun moments ever in my life.
**Walking down the runway as a fashion/hair model. Check that one off my list.
**I am so glad I learned how to enjoy my alone time. I used to never like being alone but now I treasure that small amount of time just as much as I treasure time with friends or loved ones.
**Becoming strong enough to know that it is ok to stand up for myself. I had a really hard time with this as a teenager and in my early twenties. Now I finally have a grip on it.
**Embracing my beauty-even if it isn't perfect. I will take what God gave me and embrace it. The best part..is praying for the inner beauty to shine on the outside.
This does happen.
**Meeting Ben Elgersma at my 10 year high school reunion. I never talked to him in high school. I was so glad I got the chance to know him for a little while after our reunion because he passed away in January of 2008 unexpectedly.
It really taught me the importance of paying attention to the person sitting next to you-because they could just be a treasure worth taking the time to know.
**Discovering Saddleback Church. I think this place will honestly help me set the foundation for my thirties-traveling to Thailand, singing in the choir, meeting amazing inspirational people who genuinely care for others.
**My Red VW Beetle Convertible. I am getting rid of it this August.. but I always dreamed of having this car and for the past 3 years I made it happen!
**Meeting my current boyfriend Dan. I had promised myself that I was not going to have a boyfriend for a good year because of my broken off engagement.
Then Dan came along and he taught me that things don't always go as expected.
I now know that it is possible to experience new love and it is ok to let myself be vulnerable. Even if I am still trying to heal a little bit from my past.
I could go on forever. But these are just some of the highlights of my twenties.
It's been amazing and I can't wait to see what my thirties will bring!
Some photos from my 30th bday celebration:
I feel a bittersweet twinge of sentiment when I reflect on the past decade-especially knowing that my twenties are behind me and I will never see them again. If someone heard me saying this out loud it would certainly not be in a somber tone.
My twenties were for exploring, growing up, making mistakes and repairing myself from them, experiencing things for the first time, being raw and vulnerable, taking chances, celebrating that I overcame my awkward and mortifying high school years.
Now that I am standing on the edge of my thirties I know more of what I want--even if my plans don't work out how I expected them to. I've learned that God has a plan for me and my way isn't always the best. I still plan on making mistakes because Lord knows I don't know everything and I never will. Mistakes seem to be the best thing that can happen to me. I have grown a little bit taller through each mistake I have made.
I remember being a teenager and my art teacher used my art as an example to the entire class.
She said,
"Amanda has her own style. She starts drawing and doesn't even worry about her mistakes. Instead she works with them and changes what would be an imperfection into something beautiful."
My high school art teacher read me pretty well. I look back on that now and see how much my painting and writing style applies to my life.
I've never been one to look back and regret anything or hate a "mistake" I made.
I am not really even someone who worries all that much because I know that in the end if I make the best of the present situation, it will all work out in some magical way.
(Even if I do cry a lot when something bad happens.. I let it out all out and move on).
So where did time go? I am now a thirty year old woman with a new decade to look forward to. A flawed, imperfect unsure thirty year old woman. Sometimes I still feel like a vulnerable infant when I stand in front of this incomprehensible world before me. At the same time I am really excited to see what this brand new decade brings as I climb uphill.
The Highlights of my Twenties:
..Lost somewhere out here in cyberspace now!
**Falling in Love for the first time.
**My brother's marriage to Courtney.
**The birth of my niece Gaia (who is now 2 1/2) and my new baby nephew Griffin just born last month.
**Getting the opportunity to give my grandpa Carl a hug and a kiss good-bye before he left this earth.
**My parents. Just for being the support that they are and always will be.
**Discovering my passion for cupcakes and displaying my love for art on cupcakes.
**Reuniting with so many of my friends from the past because the world is such a small place. Now they have become friends again to me in my present.
**Living in several amazing places in one decade:
Waupaca-my hometown
Chicago-Short and not so sweet
Green Bay-Really sentimental memories there.
Los Angeles-I've never made a better decision than to move there. It changed my whole life and allowed me to free my true spirit.
Orange County: Working for Billabong, surrounded by opportunity, staring at the beautiful ocean, feeling the grains of sand between my toes
**Discovering Sushi. I don't know what I'd do without it now that I know how yummy it is!
**Traveling to Paris, Germany, Amsterdam, Iceland, Milan, Hong Kong
**Discovering personal trainers and fitness. I was the biggest clutz in my high school years. Now I can do pullups, pushups, squats galore, yoga, pilates, and would love to be considered an "athlete." This was probably one of my best decisions ever as well.
**The third year IMPD program at FIDM. I created a line of denim to sell at Wal-Mart and presented it to VF Corporation. I totally jumped out of my comfort zone to try for this opportunity..and I made it into the top 12!
**Finding and Sharing Love with all different people. I have found that I have a really generous sharing heart. I've shared this with other people and because of that I have established many interesting and fun relationships with friends from all over the world.
**Meeting Jack Nicholson when I first moved to Los Angeles. Face to face. Just me and him in the room. He was wearing his classic sunglasses, and he flashed his famous smile at me to say "Hello." To me, this was a sign I was doing the right thing.
**Living in Burbank, CA. Probably one of the most fun moments ever in my life.
**Walking down the runway as a fashion/hair model. Check that one off my list.
**I am so glad I learned how to enjoy my alone time. I used to never like being alone but now I treasure that small amount of time just as much as I treasure time with friends or loved ones.
**Becoming strong enough to know that it is ok to stand up for myself. I had a really hard time with this as a teenager and in my early twenties. Now I finally have a grip on it.
**Embracing my beauty-even if it isn't perfect. I will take what God gave me and embrace it. The best part..is praying for the inner beauty to shine on the outside.
This does happen.
**Meeting Ben Elgersma at my 10 year high school reunion. I never talked to him in high school. I was so glad I got the chance to know him for a little while after our reunion because he passed away in January of 2008 unexpectedly.
It really taught me the importance of paying attention to the person sitting next to you-because they could just be a treasure worth taking the time to know.
**Discovering Saddleback Church. I think this place will honestly help me set the foundation for my thirties-traveling to Thailand, singing in the choir, meeting amazing inspirational people who genuinely care for others.
**My Red VW Beetle Convertible. I am getting rid of it this August.. but I always dreamed of having this car and for the past 3 years I made it happen!
**Meeting my current boyfriend Dan. I had promised myself that I was not going to have a boyfriend for a good year because of my broken off engagement.
Then Dan came along and he taught me that things don't always go as expected.
I now know that it is possible to experience new love and it is ok to let myself be vulnerable. Even if I am still trying to heal a little bit from my past.
I could go on forever. But these are just some of the highlights of my twenties.
It's been amazing and I can't wait to see what my thirties will bring!
Some photos from my 30th bday celebration:
Friday, April 24, 2009
My New Home.
I just moved April 1st..
it is a big change for me.
The past month has just been insane.
I moved, made this amazing cupcake tower for my boss's goddaughter while moving, sang in Saddleback Choir's Easter services. Needless to say I am now exhausted and could honestly sleep for probably an entire weekend if I let myself.
I am now living in Rancho Santa Margarita, CA (South Orange County).
I am surrounded by beautiful mountains everyday. I promised myself I would never take this breathtaking scenery for granted.
Rancho Santa Margarita is quite different than anywhere I have lived in California.
I started in Los Angeles-a crazy busy blur.
I moved to Costa Mesa in Orange County 3 years later. That was a huge change because it was much quieter, ritzier, and a little less of a melting pot.
Almost 3 years after that I have now moved to Rancho Santa Margarita.
Rancho Santa Margarita is even more quiet. All the stores close early. Even Yogurtland closes an hour earlier than they are supposed to. I practically trip over little kids trying to escape from their mother in the grocery store.
But I am here to save money, free myself of debts, so that I can do what I love and am passionate for-travel.
I live with two great roomies. Their names are Billy and Brandy. They just got married 2 weeks ago in Tennessee. Brandy's dog Beacon is a famous reality TV star. She's been on that "America's Greatest Dog" reality show along with Brandy.
Slowly my cat Sprite and famous doggy Beacon are becoming friends.
The whole environment in this house is very chill.
I know that eventually one day when my curiosity for wandering the world has faded a bit more I can live in a really really nice place by myself or if I have a husband..obviously with him.
So to share some visuals...because I've said enough.
This is the Amandaness that makes up my new living space:
I'm a Genie in a Bottle hm?
You can stay under my umbrella :)
A little something Dan wrote me. Nice hm? I like it.
I love this song by Frank Sinatra.
Getting all National Geographic up in my bedroom.
Playtime.
This painting has always made me yearn for love and happiness.
The best lamp ever. $6.99 at Goodwill in Waupaca! Yeah.
My Memoirs of being Jessica Rabbit (Halloween 2007)
I need to frame this lovely Breakfast at Tiffany's poster of Audrey.
it is a big change for me.
The past month has just been insane.
I moved, made this amazing cupcake tower for my boss's goddaughter while moving, sang in Saddleback Choir's Easter services. Needless to say I am now exhausted and could honestly sleep for probably an entire weekend if I let myself.
I am now living in Rancho Santa Margarita, CA (South Orange County).
I am surrounded by beautiful mountains everyday. I promised myself I would never take this breathtaking scenery for granted.
Rancho Santa Margarita is quite different than anywhere I have lived in California.
I started in Los Angeles-a crazy busy blur.
I moved to Costa Mesa in Orange County 3 years later. That was a huge change because it was much quieter, ritzier, and a little less of a melting pot.
Almost 3 years after that I have now moved to Rancho Santa Margarita.
Rancho Santa Margarita is even more quiet. All the stores close early. Even Yogurtland closes an hour earlier than they are supposed to. I practically trip over little kids trying to escape from their mother in the grocery store.
But I am here to save money, free myself of debts, so that I can do what I love and am passionate for-travel.
I live with two great roomies. Their names are Billy and Brandy. They just got married 2 weeks ago in Tennessee. Brandy's dog Beacon is a famous reality TV star. She's been on that "America's Greatest Dog" reality show along with Brandy.
Slowly my cat Sprite and famous doggy Beacon are becoming friends.
The whole environment in this house is very chill.
I know that eventually one day when my curiosity for wandering the world has faded a bit more I can live in a really really nice place by myself or if I have a husband..obviously with him.
So to share some visuals...because I've said enough.
This is the Amandaness that makes up my new living space:
I'm a Genie in a Bottle hm?
You can stay under my umbrella :)
A little something Dan wrote me. Nice hm? I like it.
I love this song by Frank Sinatra.
Getting all National Geographic up in my bedroom.
Playtime.
This painting has always made me yearn for love and happiness.
The best lamp ever. $6.99 at Goodwill in Waupaca! Yeah.
My Memoirs of being Jessica Rabbit (Halloween 2007)
I need to frame this lovely Breakfast at Tiffany's poster of Audrey.
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